Be Wary of Lisa Hannigan!

Hello, my fellow nerds in nerddom. Your evil man with the evil plan, Sir Simon Milligan, coming at you with a bit of a nerdy bone to pick. As the music critic for this nerdly compendium of nerdosity, I feel it is not only my duty to bring you the latest in tunes that further the nerd mission, but also to warn against that which is not nerdy in the world of aural emanation. It is this duty that compels me to warn against a sprightly sprite from the Emerald Isle, one Ms. Lisa Hannigan.

Formerly of Irish neo-folk troubadour Damian Rice’s band, this wispy flower has released two albums to wide critical acclaim: 2008’s Sea Sew and Passenger, released just this year. An Irish brogue lilting a strong, expressive alto, Lisa Hannigan has also shown herself adept at many instruments, drawing from her genre’s spiritual past in bluegrass (banjo), Irish folk (mandolin, dulcimer), and rock and roll (electric guitar). Lisa Hannigan may, in the minds of lesser mortals, evoke images of Sinead O’Connor, Patty Griffin, or, oddly, Bjork. But those with my learned ear will know that Lisa Hannigan, though drawing from a deep well, is creating something hitherto unknown.

And you must ignore her at all costs. We, as nerds, reject out of hand the raw, unquantifiable force of emotion. We subscribe only to cold calculation, rationality, and line graphs. Lisa Hannigan’s broad range, vocal control, and touching lyrics serve only to fog the senses and cloud the mind, distracting from every nerd’s true calling: reducing everything to numbers, and knowing those numbers better than you.

In the interest of knowing one’s enemy, Dame Milligan and I recently saw Lisa Hannigan perform at the Double Door in Chicago. Picture a petite, shy woman, tastefully dressed and standing unassumingly, and then filling the tiny venue with such delicate sound that one worries to breathe, lest they shatter it like spun sugar. Picture a nervous, nearly breathless pixie, standing stock still until the music hits, then reacting to every single note, every single beat, as if in ecstasy so close to pain that the line between them blurs to nonexistence. Picture a woman so delighted to be granted a chance to share her craft and herself with others that she thanks us warmly and sweetly, and never stops smiling, even during the sad bits. Utterly meaningless!

I warn all you self-interested nerds out there, fighting the good fight, to stay clear of Lisa Hannigan. Don’t buy her new album, Passenger, don’t see her live, and for Evil’s sake, do not watch this video of her performing at a pub in Dingle, Ireland. This is for your own good.

Exclusive to Lisa Hannigan: If you insist on returning to Chicago to spread your brand of infectious pro-emotion propaganda, allow Dame Milligan and I to cook you dinner. I can be reached at this website. That is, vile demon!

The Avengers are Assembling!

 If you haven't yet seen the new and awesome trailer for The Avengers (written by the great Joss Whedon) then you are stupid. There I said it, you dumb. However I am not with out my mercy so here it is in all it's glory.

You're welcome

Nerds Do It Better

Classic Games Spotlight: Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time

The year is whatever year it was when I was in fourth grade. I'm standing in line at the door waiting to go home with my fellow classmates, and the nerd of nerds, Dylan Winston, can't stop talking about how bad he wants to go home so he can beat Ganondorf. I'm confused. Is he mad at his interestingly named dog? Is Ganondorf a new Pokemon game? I inquire further. It turns out Ganondorf is the horrendously evil and powerful antagonist of Links' newest 64 bit adventure, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I'm intrigued. Luckily, the Winstons just moved next door and I didn't even need to beg my mom for a ride when that afternoon I went over and sat enthralled as Dylan battled Ganondorf in a furious battle of light arrows and Master Sword hacks. At this time I had no way to relate to Link or to understand his plight, but I knew one thing, I wanted into this world. I also knew another thing, whatever time my mom saved not having to drive me to Dylans she was going to lose driving me to the mall to buy this game. So after a few weeks of begging, screaming, whining, and fantasizing about the game, I finally had it and my own odyssey was set to begin.

Back in the present, and I am able to look back at that game with a perspective that I did not have at the time. Back then, the game was entertainment, a fun way to spend the afternoon after school, a world I could get lost in. However, now I am able to see that the game was really one of the defining moments of my childhood. All of the interests that were piqued in me at that time by the game are the same ones that I am pursuing now in my real life. From the game itself, to the sense of adventure and exotic locales visited on the journey, the game really spoke to me. Personal biases aside however, the game really was a great game for a number of reasons. The first of these was the ability of the player to relate to Link. Playing him as a "child" and then later in the game as an "adult" really made you feel like you were Link, that he wasn't just a vehicle by which you could move through the game. I had an emotional investment in him and his success on his journey. The depth and scope of the game really made it feel like a real world, where you could ride across the plains on your trusty steed and be in another town by sunset. The odd and quircky characters were always interesting and gave Hyrule a unique personality. The bad guys were always worthy foes, especially the bosses who usually had special ways they needed to be killed, which had to be figured out on the fly. The puzzles throughout the game made you actually have to think while remaining fun and playable, without long extended periods of not being able to figure them out. The actual gameplay and mechanics of the game were also superb, with the z-target ability making combat and peaceful interactions equally smooth. The storytelling was largely what made the game so compelling, however and there were true moments of gallantry, sadness, heroics, celebration, and death, all of which tugged at the emotions of the invested gamer. I have played many, many great (and not so great) video games in the years since I first popped the Zelda cartridge into my N64, but I am still convinced that it isn't just my sentiment talking when I say that this was one of the best video game experiences of my life.

A Steve Jobs Memorial

   I'll be honest when I first started using macs I couldn't stand them, I had an immediate distaste for them that I would vocalize when ever the topic came up. That being said Apple has become so much more since then and I have grown to love them as so many others have. Which brings me to why I write this article, A god among nerds passed away today. The co-founder of what is now the most lucrative computer company in the world, Steve Jobs passed away mere hours before this articles writing after a long drawn out fight with pancreatic cancer, one of the most terrible and mortal forms of cancer.
  
   There are many joys in my life that I owe this man, I remember how awesome and powerful I thought my first Ipod was and how I would walk for hours listening to podcasts and music from Itunes to lift my spirits. My current Iphone is the greatest thing I have ever had in my pocket and has saved me from embarrassment and misinformation countless times. I would not have these devices, that were seemingly stolen from the future, if not for Steve Jobs and to that point I salute the man and a nerdy life well lived.

R.I.P Steve Jobs

(1955-2011)

Heaven is now a nerdier place.

Nerds Do It Better

Gears of War 3: Holy Shit

  
   So as you all must be aware by now (and if you aren't you may have had your head up your ass for the last three months and should probably see someone about that) Gears 3 has dropped and it is, in my opinion, the best of the trilogy. Some say the original is always better, but thats not the case. Not to take anything away from the first two games; they were great in their own right, but with the implementation of horde mode in Gears 2, Epic started the franchise down a path of eternal awesomeness which they got to the end of in Gears 3. While the campaign of the third installment is epic (pun intended) the real meat and potatoes of the game are Versus, Beast, and Horde modes. They're what you're going to be playing the majority of the time, and by God they're worth it. Versus mode is the typical player vs. player games which are always fun. As always, hiding around corners and chainsawing guys as they nonchalantly run past is great fun, if a little cheap. But hey, kills are kills and thats what versus is all about. Just watch out for the guys with the new sawed-off shotguns, they're slow, but you will lose every close quarter encounter aginst one of these in the hands of a mildly capable player, so keep your distance. Beast mode is a great new addition that lets you essentially play horde, but as the Locust. You start with a certain amount of money, and everytime you die you use that money to spawn as the baddie character of your choosing. The tickers are fun, effective, and cheap to buy for the early levels. The Boomer is somewhat expensive but packs a big punch, and the giant serapede, armored kantus, and berserker at the higher levels are fun and capable of completely fucking shit up. The jewel of the game, however, has got to be the new horde mode and that is what I spend most of my Gears time doing. Differences from the classic horde mode in Gears 2 include the awesome new fortifications that you can build with the money you earn slayin the baddies. You buy an intitial base at the beginning of the game, and from there you can build fences, machine gun turrets, sentry guns, and decoys to mess with and kill the enemy as you attempt to keep them at bay. Between rounds you have thirty seconds to do all your fortifying, so don't get caught on the other side of the map at the end the round and miss out on reloading your machine gun. The fortifications make some maps more defendable than others, and when looking for a good defensive position you should first look for a base with few approaches (two is good, Overpass has a base with only one approach). You should also take note of what you can buy at a given base. Having the map's heavy weapon in or near your base is always a plus, especially for the boss waves. The hammer of dawn is a good heavy weapon on just about all maps, the mortar is good on open maps without a lot of overhead cover, and the mulcher is good down hallways and other fuck em up trap areas. Another thing to look for is how easily can you get the fuck out of your base if shit starts getting real, as it always does. Having a decent fall back point that isn't a main spawn point of the bad guys can keep you alive for a few extra rounds. When you start the game check out what defenses you can buy around your base. You want to have a turret for sure, they help out when the lancer isn't quite cutting it anymore. Fences are good for slowing the enemy down and sentry guns do relatively weak but sustained damaged making those tough bad guys not so tough. Decoys just make the enemy look stupid as they focus their attention (and bullets) on cardboard cut-outs and mannequins. Dumbasses, thats why you deserve to get chainsawed.....Anyways once you have your base established you can either save your money for bigger upgrades, like the relentlessly powerful, never run out of ammo, kill every living thing within view silverback ($12,500, no chump change), or start buying fences and the like. Either way, upgrade your fortifications as fast as you can and keep them from getting destroyed, as nothing sucks worse than dropping 4 grand on a red laser fence and then having to do it again in the next round (this is a sure way to not get far noobs). Sometimes one fortification will help another be more effective. For example, buying a decoy and then a machine gun that overlooks it will not only protect the decoy from some damage, but will allow the machine gunner to obliterate the locust who are pathetically trying to kill it. Throughout the levels you continue to expand and upgrade your defenses and try to hold out as long as possible. Eventually you will all be dead however, unless you can get to and beat the 50th wave. In a matchmaking game, it doesn't really seem possible to reach this lofty video game acheivement. There are too many people not in it for the team (yeah I'm talking to you guys who run right past me when I'm downed and don't help you selfish bastards). These people, however, are assholes. For those qualifyed gamers out there, get four of your nerdiest, most badass friends and get the fuck in a horde game STAT. Make sure you can communicate and play smart and level 50 should be yours in no time.

Note: Try to keep your bloodlust to a reasonable level while playing Gears of War 3 or risk upsetting roomates, neighbors, or sleeping girlfriends with your terrifying war cries.

Slywalker