Retro Movie Review: Revenge of the NERRRRDSS!!!!

Hello ladies and gentleman! I'm back to bring you another retro movie review. Now, aside from having a lust for steel and being able to transform into a giant snake, Thulsa Doom is a man of the people, therefore I will be bringing a new retro (read 80's) movie review every week, starting with this review right now! Nay, not just any retro movie review, but perhaps the most appropriate review this blog will ever produce: "Revenge of the Nerds!"

The film starts out like any good 80's comedy, both introducing us to the films main players and showing their particular quirks that will dictate the events of the movie. In this case? Just how nerdy they really are! Lewis and Gilbert are about to embark on the great adventure that is college. Of course, they are attending the prestigious Adams College, renowned for its, and I quote, "Computer Program." Computer Design? Computer Data Analysis? Software Developing? Nope, just "Computer Program." In any case, when they arrive they realize that what they thought would be a booze and lady filled series of hijinks is actually going to be a nightmare in which they are mocked and ridiculed by their popular "jock" peers. (Everyone at Adams College is a nerd or a jock it seems...awesome.) While walking down Greek Row, they happen to cross paths with the dreaded Alpha Beta house, and boy howdy do those guys hate nerds. Inexplicably, the Beta's loveable and violent meathead "Ogre" is holding a man upside down from his feet over the edge of a three story building with coeds everywhere laughing and cheering him on. Ogre, catching sight of Lewis and Gilbert, drops the man (to what I would assume is his death) in order to start screaming, "Nerds!" Did that man die? Who cares!

I would like to take a moment to point out that one of the reasons I love this movie is the fact that it is grounded not even slightly in reality. Case in point, Ogre can't even put full sentences together, and actually looks like he has Downs Syndrome, but he is on the football team! And he loves beer! He's awesome!

In any case, after the same Alpha Beta's burnt down their frat house after a night of drunken fire fueled antics, they decide that they need a new place to stay. And in another example of "80's movie" logic, the head football coach overrides the Dean of Adams College, and tosses the freshman out of their dorm so the Beta's have a new place to get loaded and party constantly. Amen.

This turns out to be a blessing in disguise, as in their new home, the basketball court of the school gymnasium, Lewis and Gilbert meet a rag tag bunch of misfits and they all become fast friends. There is Lamar, the openly gay black nerd. Booger, the revolting nerd who loves pot and picking his nose. And Takashi, the Japanese stereotype nerd! There are many others, including Wormser, a teenager who possesses unusual intelligence for his age, and is a master of aerodynamics. All of these nerds bring something to the table, and at one point use their particular skill set to progress the plot, or at least create some classic comedic situations.

In an effort to battle the dreaded Beta's and the control they hold over the Greek council (and somehow the entire school as a result?) the Nerds must join the only fraternity that will hear them out, Lambda Lambda Lambda. Of course the "Tri-Lambs" are an all black fraternity. Believe you me buddy, the awkward juxtaposition of a party full of nerdy white kids and stoic black men is absolutely hilarious. And when this party is saved by Booger and his "Super Joints," well you have a viewing experience not to be missed.

I wont give all of the movie away, but Revenge of the Nerds has it all. Casual racism? Check. Casual rape that ends up being ok cause the guy was good at it? Check. Panty Raids, Breaking and Entering, Home Invasion, and Assault all shown in a comical and warm-hearted way with no repercussions? Check. John Goodman who plays the bitter football coach who hates nerds and inexplicably runs the school? Check. And perhaps aside from all that the best part is the message at the end of the movie, because believe it or not there is a brief five to ten minute stretch where the film takes itself seriously. Just because somebody acts or looks different does not make them your enemy. And just because someone is smart, or aspires for knowledge, does not make them a loser. In a world where it seems to be increasingly popular to be a talentless moron and get paid for it, (ex. reality television, recent movies with talentless actors, the fact that Casey Anthony will soon most likely be a millionaire for being awesome at lying and murdering her own child) and where American children are becoming more obese and less intelligent with each passing year, its nice to see a group of like minded individuals using their brains collectively for good. And though "Revenge of the Nerds" may not be the most likely movie to invoke such emotions, that is what I get out of it when I dig deep enough. Plus there are some pretty gratuitous boob scenes!

In summary, rent this movie or watch it on Netflix. And if you have already seen it do yourself a favor and see it again, for the true test of a good 80's movie is the fact that you are smiling the whole time while watching it, despite how cheesy and dated it is. And in that sense, "Revenge of the Nerds" delivers in spades. With that I leave you with what many industry analysts have deemed "The greatest single scene in cinematic history." The nerd Talent Show performance!

Nerds: Nature vs. Nurture

This is the age-old question: is there a nerd gene or is the nerd lifestyle learned from society?

I have spent endless hours in labs with test tubes and specimens, many a scientific text read and still I stay awake at night unable to find the answer to this conundrum. Bewildered, I knew I had to go back to the basics. One of the first biological phenomenons tought to us in grad school is the concept of “Surivial of the Fittest.” Of course, when we think of this, we all imagine big meathead jocks picking on the little guy in gym class (because what kind of nerds would we be if we weren’t picked on by the big guys?!). As we as students progress through the science levels, we have a better understanding that the most successful traits of an individual will put said individual at a higher probability to find a mate and have lots of offspring that are genetically predisposed to success in the animal kingdom. But wait! Could the process in which female seahorses look for a male with an inticate camouflage pattern and a willingness to incubate eggs be related the Human species?! How?!

Well let’s take a stroll down memory lane. Once we were all hunters and gatherers. Women were attracted to the men that were big and strong and brought home the bacon and men, well, men went for the prettiest of the gathers. As the wheel, pulley, lightbulb, telephone, iPod and self parking car were invented, we were no longer a race of merely hunters and gatherers, but a species thriving on our own creations. This is where the definition of “fittest” changes from strong, sharp-shooting individuals to tech savvy, Star-Wars-reference making individuals. Women want men who can make nerdy references to any situation and the brains to stay up to date and beyond in the technological realm and men want women who will fulfill their fantasy of a Star Wars themed wedding, buns included, and the intellect to keep up.

In my professional, undergrad opinion, as time went on, the nerds began to thrive, leading me to the theory that there must be a nerd gene that has evolved from a recessive trait that skips every other male generation to a dominant gene that only the unfortunate are doomed to miss. Nature wins another argument.

Next Day Recap: Breaking Down Breaking Bad

This series will appear every Monday following AMC's hit show Breaking Bad. I highly suggest watching the episode before reading this column as SPOILERS will abound.

Episode 2: Thirty-Eight Snub

We return for the second week of the intense saga of Walter White with every 'Mericans, gosh-dern right; illegal arms sales. Walt is in the market for a "self-defense" weapon in case any unsavory, meth distributors attempt to murder him. GOOD PLAN. I got a real Jules Winfield crossed with Scorcese's Taxi Driver vibe in this scene. The gun salesman's rhetoric coupled with the wavering assurance of Walt's defense needs really made for an interesting scene.

While Walt tries to make moves as best he can, Jesse has defaulted to his standby coping method, copious amounts of drugs. Jesse, Badger, and Skinny Pete all partake in some nose candy while discussing the merits of zombie abilities in pop culture (a sly WATCH THE WALKING DEAD IT HAS ZOMBIES plug). We see the difference in the partners as Jesse reverts back to his old ways, Walt pushes on to solve problems no matter what.

The slow whir of Marie's hospital bed cranking up is a testament to the grinding, exhaustive work it has become dealing with Hank on a daily basis. Up examining his minerals at 2 a.m. he comments that "there are four other bedrooms" implying she doesn't have to sleep next to him. The distance between them continues. I'm sorry, but I've been a loyal fan since the start, but did I miss something about Hank's mineral obsession? I don't get it. I'm sure there will be some correlation between the rocks errr...minerals he is studying and the BEAUTIFUL BLUE METH GEMS Walt makes on a daily basis. BTW, blue corundum is a sapphire.

Like Walt, Skyler pushes on into new territory as she tries to make the car wash deal a reality. Walt freaks out when she mentions it on the answering machine, so much so that he picks up the phone to scold her. Not only is she leaving recorded evidence of their plan, she also interrupted him packing his lunch AND GUN for work.

A short scene in the lab shows Walt concealing his sidearm as we hear the lab doors opening. Expecting Gus, we only get henchman Mike instructing the new guy (Vistor's replacement) to weigh the product again. Walt inquires to Mike where Gus is to which Mike replies, "You're never going to see him again." Mike obviously doesn't understand that this is a television show and writing out the main antagonist is a dumb idea, but I digress. Walt's plan is going to take a little more cunning than he thinks.

Jesse's three day party is interrupted by Andrea to discuss the events that happened at the end of season 3. With her little brother killed, the gangbangers suspected of killing him wind up dead, and a fat stack of scrilla (lots of money) show up in Andrea's mailbox. Jesse explains that it is to get her and her son out of that neighborhood, or she can spend it all on drugs and he wouldn't know. I like mature yet dead inside Jesse so much more than junkie Jesse.

The episode ends with everyone's coping mechanisms falling short of their goal. We start with Walt and his "genius" plan to basically drive to Gus's front door, put on a porkpie hat (HEISENBERG UP IN THIS BITCH), and shoot Gus. Midway through walking under a bright streetlight plain as day, he receives a call telling him to go home. I'm sorry Walt, this is the best you came up with? I can point out at least five things wrong with your murder plot. The first one is that it sucks on every level. Seriously, you didn't even park your car down the street or around a corner. YOU LEFT IT UNDER A STREETLIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE. I know that it speaks to the desperation of his character and blah blah blah, but some plausibility people.

Skyler brings all her accounting superpowers to make an offer to the thickly eyebrowed owner of the car wash. He rejects her sensibly offer with outrageous numbers as he still harbors a grudge against Walt for quitting in such a vivacious manner. Her sister receives a large shipment of minerals for her husband to which he yells to check every box for damage. This is after a cold hearted scene of Hank brushing off his wife after such a jubilant display following a tough yet successful physical therapy session. Marie's positive attitude is falling short and pushing Hank even further away.

Despite his best efforts, Jesse's party has to end and he is back to being alone with his riches and having to deal with the situation at hand. The final scene of him cranking his expensive speakers and slinking in front of them make you really commiserate with his situation.

We finally end with Walt, once again scheming as best he can. Meeting with Mike at his regular bar, Walt tries to explain himself one more time. The Saul Goodman commercial playing on the television to start the scene is brilliantly hilarious. Walt opens up and explains what he has done to a unwilling listener, Mike. Walt seems to do a lot of this. Constantly trying to explain the situation to people who don't care. Mike tries to tell him this, "You gotta learn to accept yes as an answer." Walt does not falter and reaches out to Mike to aid him in offing Gus. Mike listens patiently, beats up Walt, and calmly leaves. To Mike it's about the job. Though a scene in the beginning points to the fact that he understands Walt's argument and maybe even agrees with him, the beating may be out of frustration.

I want to make mention that I thought Michelle McLaren did a beautiful job of visually capturing this episode. Especially one without any major plot points or reveals, we got some awesome visuals. The roomba POV camera at Jesse's party, Walter practicing his gun draws, and others were very well done. Kudos.

FAV SCENE: Walt and Mike conversing in the bar

FAV LINE: Badger after partying for three days straight "I think I have a cat...and I think, I'm supposed to like, feed it."

NEXT WEEK'S TITLE: "Open House"

Sir Simon’s Top 5 Television Dramas Whose Awesomeness is Directly Proportionate to the Crappiness of the Theme Music

Firefly

Poor, set-upon Joss Whedon. He just can’t get a break. I mean, sure, he created Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show that lasted for 7 seasons and spawned a nearly-as-successful spin-off in Angel. And sure, the appropriately named Buffyverse continues in the guise of comic books, trade paperback adaptations, and an unending flow of fan fiction. And fine, Buffy studies has actually been recognized as an academic pursuit by otherwise respected scholars. And OK! there are the other projects of Whedon’s that have met with success, like Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Dollhouse, and, if the readership of this blog has their say, the upcoming Avengers film that Whedon will direct.

But Firefly… FIREFLY! Due to mismanaging by the good people at Fox, what could have been an enduring tale of intergalactic cowboys was doomed to become among the most lamented early cancellations since the original Star Trek. Fanboys and -girls to this day mourn the day that we lost Firefly.

But, sweet googily moogily, the THEME… eww!

Firefly

I mean, for realsies, the crew of the Firefly Class ship Serenity were a band of misfits so vividly rendered that their images were forever burned into our psyches from the end of the first episode. Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, fearless veteran of the Unification War and leader of his ragtag bunch, would take on any job, so long as it was honorable, and it paid. Warrior Woman Zoe, Reynolds’ trusted lieutenant since the end of the War, proudly upheld the Whedonesque tradition of having a hot woman character that invariably kicks ass. Wash, brilliant pilot and Zoe’s husband, provided brilliant, goofy comic relief, from the first episode where we witness him playing with toy dinosaurs (“Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”). Kaylee is the mechanical prodigy who also happens to be cute as the dickens. And then there’s Jayne Cobb, a man proudly in the vein of Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue,” all muscle and very little brains.

Firefly

Then there’re the passengers, who in time would become members of the crew. Shepherd Book, a man of the cloth who possesses skills that most priests don’t have, like marksmanship and martial arts. Simon Tam, brilliant doctor from the Central planets of the Alliance. And Simon’s little sister River, a genius who has been the victim of psychological and neurophysiologic experiments by a shadowy arm of the Alliance government.

The interweaving of the overarching plot of discovering the nature and reasoning of River’s experiments, the individual moneymaking jobs Capt. Reynolds hires out for, and encounters with a roving band of maniacs known as Reavers, and this show could have lasted indefinitely but for the criminal botch job perpetrated by Fox in playing episodes out of order, not promoting properly, and then canning the show after just one season. Firefly remains a moment of television perfection preserved in amber, its beauty forever present to behold, but never to be experienced again.

The show had only one visible flaw.

Firefly

The show’s theme song was, for lack of a better description, western. A slow, mellow dirge involving the banjo, fiddle, and guitar. Written by Joss Whedon himself, the song evokes images of dust and old wood, the tangy sweetness of bad whiskey, and, tellingly, the smell of horse manure.

The lyrics of the song are pretty banal. “Take my love, take my land/take me till I cannot stand/I don’t care, I’m still free/you can’t take the sky from me.” The imagery of the sky is apropos, since these cowboys don’t drive cows, they fly through space and rob stuff. But the repetition of the words, set against a vocal melody that is one step removed from monotone, is not quite annoying, but pretty damn close. The presence of blues legend Sonny Rhodes singing on the track does nothing but suggest that perhaps Mr. Rhodes had some debts that needed paying and Mr. Whedon came along with an attractive offer at a very opportune time.

Firefly

Firefly was my first experience with the work of Joss Whedon (unless you count the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie starring Kristy Swanson, which I don’t). I’ve since become a fan, voraciously consuming the entirety of the televised Buffy series, Angel, and Dollhouse. Whedon’s imagination, creativity, and attention to detail have won over a well-deserved cult of followers. Firefly is perhaps the best-realized example of Whedon’s brilliance, and the fact that it did not receive the opportunity to fully blossom is a bummer that is difficult to overcome. Seriously, I often get emotional just thinking of what could have been. I’ve seen the entire series of Firefly three times, and every time I’m excited at the right parts, saddened at the others, and depressed when it’s over, knowing there will never be another episode.

And then the theme song plays over the closing credits, and I turn off the tv.

Tire Smoked Movie Review: Captain America

  Last night me and several members of my family went and saw the midnight showing of Captain America: The First Avenger (because that's how we roll). Besides the vast amount of annoying, loud talking, know-it-all nerds (the worst kind that make us all look bad) it was an incredibly enjoyable evening.
  
   Captain America was great, it had everything a marvel nerd could ask for. The serum, the super soldier abilities, and the accuracy (for the most part) to the comics was pretty freakin' great. Chris Evans played a phenomenal Steve Rogers and the inclusion of characters like Dum-Dum and James "Bucky" Barnes gave plenty of reasons for true blue Cap nerds to feel superior. The action was great and constant while not being over the top (at least not for a comic book movie) and the inclusion of the crazy ahead of their time Hydra (cap's arch nemesis organization) weapons gave way for awesome special effects. Top it all off with a stellar performance by Hugo Weaving (of Mr. Smith and Lord Elrond fame) as the insidious Red Skull and that's a summer blockbuster in any sense of the word.

   And as if it couldn't get any better, those who stuck around to the end of the credits (which didn't include know-it-all who claimed he knew they weren't going to show anything because they would have done it earlier) were given a full minute preview of The Avengers movie that is apparently being released in May 2012. If that alone doesn't sell you why the hell are you even reading this? Go. See. This. Movie. Five burning tires out of five, nerdom at its best people.

  "Avengers Assemble!"-Capt. America (often)

Next Day Recap: Breaking Down Breaking Bad

This series will appear every Monday following AMC's hit show Breaking Bad. I highly suggest watching the episode before reading this column as SPOILERS will abound.

Episode 1: Box Cutter

Oh glorious day! Oh magical night! As all Breaking Baddamaniacs come off the high that was the awesome return of AMC's most fabulous drama (TAKE THAT DRAPER), let's look at what happened during last night's return to the saga of Walter White and company.

The opening scene flashes us back to the lovable, upbeat Gale as he sets up Gustavo Fring's meth lab that was the backdrop for much of season 3. Very different opening to the previous seasons, where we get a cryptic scene (i.e. the plane crash of season 2, the gangsters crawling in season 3) that plays out during the season. I like the change up. Gale and Gus discuss the quality of Walter's meth (99% pure) to Gale's (96% pure). Gale's downfall was his own fault as he was adamant that they should cook the superior meth. My own worst enemy. I'll miss Gale, what a great tertiary character.

We cut back to the scene at the end of season 3, with Jesse murdering Gale in his apartment. Victor the henchman comes and checks out the scene, finds Jesse in the parking lot, and drags him back to the lab. I think Jesse knew that inevitably he was going to have to go back and face the facts.

Skyler opens her door to find Marie dropping off the latest bill for Hank, and notices that Walter must have spent the night as his car is in the driveway. Anna Gunn (Skyler) had plastic surgery in the time off from the show. Her face is a little weird now, not KILL IT WITH FIRE weird, but just...off. Anyway, she moves the car so Walt Jr. doesn't ask questions when he wakes up.

Saul gets a call from Skyler who wants to know where Walt is. Oh lovable Saul, so hilarious. I am a huge Bob Odenkirk fan (shout out to those that remember Mr. Show) and his comic relief as sleazy Saul Goodman bring a nice levity to the intense drama. He is sweeping his office for bugs and freaks out when Skyler mentions meth lab on the phone.

Back at the lab, Gus shows up on scene. The first thought in my head is that WE ARE ABOUT TO GET MAD REAL UP IN HERE. Gus slowly walks in, straight past Walter and Jesse, and starts...stripping? Oh, he's putting on a lab suit. Glasses off, walking back to Walter who is babbling trying to plead his case to Gus, Gus reaches in a drawer and grabs a box cutter. THIS IS INTENSE. Gus circles Walter and Jesse and winds up standing with Victor and Mike. Suddenly, Gus grabs Victor and slits his throat holding him up as the blood splatters all over Walter and Jesse. Walter is horrified. Jesse is stoic, he gets it. Gus reverses the processes, taking off the lab suit and putting his normal clothes back on. He still has said nothing. My face looks like Munch's The Scream. At the top of the stairs Gus tells them to get back to work and leaves. So why kill Victor, who had claimed to be able to replicate Walter's recipe? I think it was a combination of failing to protect Gale as well as being seen at the crime scene.

Bed ridden Hank is really being a big meanie! His ultra positive wife Marie, who is slowly being worn down mentally by caring for Hank, comes in with a big smile and asking about his physical therapy. Hank has been slowing making progress in physical therapy and has taken up bidding and buying minerals on teh internetz. At the end of season 3, I thought this storyline was going to suck but I could see it talking some interesting turns.

Jesse and Walt are at a diner getting breakfast after their cook. They have changed out of their blood soaked clothes (the Kenny Loggins shirts are a nice touch). Walt is still frazzled from the day's events, but Jesse is fine. He orders a big breakfast of DELICIOUS PANCAKES and stuffs his face as Walt looks on. He gets it. He knows the agreement they have with Gus now. "We're all on the same page: the one that says, if I can't kill you, you're sure as s**t going to wish you were dead." I hope his character takes a little more of a mature turn as it did in this episode, sometimes he is so annoying.

Walt returns home looking for his car and Skyler tells him where and why she moved it. Noticeably freaked out and curious to Walter's whereabouts the entire episode, she seems relieved he is alive and doesn't ask any questions. I am very interested in her role this season as Walt's home life and drug life start melding more and more.

The episode ends with cops investigating Gale's murder and we see a folder on his coffee table labeled "Lab Notes." SWEET MOTHER OF GOD GALE, WHY DID YOU BRING THAT HOME??!!!!

Fav Scene: Gus and his silent treatment murder in the lab.

Fav Line: Marie "you're buying a new rock?" Hank "I'm bidding on a new mineral."

**tied for fav line is the fact that Jesse did not say "yo" or "bitch" once in the ep**

Next Week's Title: "38 Snub"

Comedy and Nerdom Together at Last!

   In case you couldn't tell from my posts I enjoy attempting to make people laugh. It's something I have always had a compulsion for and if you'll look at all of my intimate relationships you would quickly discover that they are all based around whether or not the person in question laughs at my jokes. I am a comedy nerd, which to say is someone who obsesses over funny things in the entertainment universe. I loved watching SNL and stand-up from a pretty early age. My brothers got me into things like The Kids in the Hall and great movies like Ghostbusters and Wayne's World. I currently can't get enough of stand-up, Comedians like Louis C.K. , Dennis Leary, Kyle Kinane, and Chris Hardwick inspire me constantly.So this past Wednesday I finally took the leap and attempted my first foray into the greater comedy world by doing an open mic.

  Safe to say I blanked on about half my jokes, rushed the ones I remembered, and generally felt nervous and uncomfortable the whole time. But I got laughs and for a first timer that isn't so bad. I will being doing it again and again and again probably forever. Will I become successful? Who the hell knows but I will become better. So I am posting the recorded version of my first attempt for all to see and mock at http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150238442141377 the beginning is cut off it starts " I'm Dylan Winston, No relation to the cigarette..." Enjoy.


The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. -
Jerry Seinfeld

Sir Simon’s Completely All-Inclusive, Exhaustively Researched Top 5 Nerdy References in Rock, Volume 1.0.0

Phasers on Kill- Screeching Weasel

Seminal Chicago pop punk band Screeching Weasel have been doin’ it since before many of you nerds were even born. (See what I did there? I suggested someone was actually reading this, even though I know it’s not true. Exhibit A: PI IS EXACTLY THREE! I rest my case.) It doesn’t get much better than a fantasy whereby Capt. Kirk visits frontman Ben Weasel, punches him in the mouth, crashes on his couch, then agrees to kill his ex-girlfriend with the aforementioned Phaser, set on kill. If intergalactic space travel were indeed possible, Mr. Weasel would far rather leverage his acquaintance with a Captain in the United Federation of Planets Star Fleet to solicit murder than to, you know, boldly go anywhere. That’s punk, my friends.

Private Eye- Alkaline Trio

Another legendary Chicago band, the Alkaline Trio have let their dork flag fly and their Chicago flag tattoos show on many, many occasions. (A favorite lyric of mine: “If assholes could fly/this place would be busier than O’Hare.” Outstanding.) A perfect example is Private Eye, where the second verse finds Matt Skiba lamenting that “New Year’s Eve was as boring as Heaven/I watched flies fuck on Channel 11.” For all of our readers not from the Chicagoland area (Readers! Ha! I did it again!), Channel 11 is a reference to WTTW, Chicago’s PBS station. Way to keep it real, boys. Real nerdy.

In the Garage- Weezer

Dorkdom in rock is nothing new. Buddy Holly began the trend, Devo held the banner, but Weezer is the modern epitome. While there is rarely a song that doesn’t contain some nerdy reference (at least on Weezer’s self-titled album and on “Pinkerton.” I’ve honestly never listened to any album released after these two.), no other song gets as dorky as “In the Garage,” off of what’s come to be known as the Blue Album. Describing a haven where he is “safe” and “no one laughs,” Rivers Cuomo describes the décor (KISS posters, his favorite rock group) and his musical habits (playing stupid songs, writing stupid words). It is, however, the dungeon master’s guide and the 12-sided die that really show that, though he may be one of the most recognizable rock musicians alive, he’s a gigantic dork. Use the 3+ Broad Sword, and rock.

Istanbul, Not Constantinople- They Might Be Giants

They Might Be Giants inhabit this odd netherworld of rock that hovers ever so precariously over the precipice of novelty. Not quite Weird Al, yet not quite Ween, they are versatile, talented, and very very goofy. It should come as no surprise, then, that their jams are chockfull of references to the nerdy. They’ve referenced recording company the Longines Symphonette Society (“it doesn’t rest”) as well as releasing an album named in tribute to NASA (“Apollo 18”) and three albums aimed at teaching children stuff (“Here Come the ABCs,” “Here Come the 123s,” and “Here Comes Science”). My favorite dork reference, however, comes in the form of the confusion created when the Turks of Turkey decided to change the name of their largest city from Constantinople to Istanbul. “Every girl in Constantinople/Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople/So, if you’ve a date in Constantinople/She’ll be waiting in Istanbul.” They Might Be Giants just lovingly suggested that you might have any kind of date, even one as specific as with a Turkish girl. Thank the kind gentlemen.

S.R.- Reel Big Fish
Ska. Is there truly any nerdier genre in rock? The band-geek chic mentality, the brutal and unending affirmation of one's place within the scene, the nearly defiant challenge for someone to sound off on why they suck? The subject of ska as a whole will wait for a later post, but one song embodies the dorky ethos that is ska. That song is "S.R." by those O.C. O.G.s, Reel Big Fish. Suburban Rhythm was a band contemporary with Reel Big Fish, Save Ferris, Sublime, and No Doubt, bands that would ignite America's woefully short love affair with ska. Only releasing one album, Suburban Rhythm fell victim to in-fighting and broke up shortly after they began. However, their influence was felt throughout the O.C. scene, not least of all by Reel Big Fish, who pleaded with them "Please don't go, Suburban Rhythm/All the other bands are just shit." Every other band is shit. Every one. Except Reel Big Fish's favorite band. They're right, you're wrong. They're nerds, of course they know better.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Disagreements? Is anybody out there? Comment!

I Think I'm a Nerd but How Can I Know for Sure?

   I recently wrote a post that illustrated the steps to become a nerd and I hear it has saved the lives of many. But what if you already suspect you are a nerd and you're just not sure how to tell? Well you sir or madam are in luck, let the almighty nerd illuminate your inner desire to purchase pseudo futuristic technology and obsess over the needs of your cat named Battle Cat.

   The most obvious of places to start is to see what makes you giddy like a prepubescent school girl who notices her breasts are starting to come in. (I recently saw Bridesmaids so i feel I am qualified to comment on such things.) Is it the new issue of the walking dead that just came out or are you eagerly awaiting the premier of Capt. America? If seeing commercials for video games sparks similar emotions to the first time you saw a puppy chances are you're pretty nerdy.

   The next clue is nerd rage, every nerd has been there and this sudden eruption of Klingon like wraith is generally started by the same thing. Someone getting something wrong or mixing things up about something you nerd out over. For instance I want to punch every stupid mouth that has every called the main character from the Legend of Zelda games, Zelda. Zelda is the princess he saves! His name is Link! LIIIINK!!!!!...or if someone were to say star wars but what they really meant was star trek is also a pet peeve for many. If you ever found yourself about to strangle someone over their ignorance of pop culture chances are you're pretty nerdy.

   If you naturally have a disposition against over working your body or doing anything that doesn't gratify you immediately chances are you're a nerd. Fear not however, we are a wise and powerful people and trust me, we do it better.