The Unfortunate Truth Behind "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey"

Anyone who grew up in the early 90s (or had kids in the early 90s) with a VHS player remembers the family-friendly animal-adventure Disney classic, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey.

Starring some of Hollywood's top voice-over actors (Michael J. Fox [as Chance, the wily, curious American Bulldog] and Sally Field [as Sassy, the snooty and downright abrasive Himalaya]) Homeward Bound grossed nearly $42,000,000 at the box office and continues to warm the hearts of children and their families across the globe with wholesome, animals-in-danger-then-not-in-danger entertainment.

A quick synopsis of the plot for those who can't recall why these everyday house pets are pictured traversing a 70-foot canyon by way of a fallen log bridge: Chance, Sassy & Shadow (the wise, aging Golden Retriever voiced by the late Don Ameche [interestingly, one of his last roles]) are abandoned by their owners (Airplane's Robert Hays, go figure) at a quaint mountain horse ranch in central Oregon with Schindler's List cruelty, prompting Shadow to interpret this as an evil masterplan which his "Peter" (played by Benj Thall) would never have a hand in and is in dire need of help. Through impeccable Retriever logic, Shadow deduces that home is "just over that mountain" and that he should go back with or without Chance and Sassy. The others concede that in fact, yes, home is just over that mountain range (the southern Cascades-meant-to-be-Sierras mind you) thus beginning the "incredible adventure" promised by the movie's title. Chocked full of excitement, danger, humor, and the occasional mushy-animal-feelings scene (like Shadow's moonlit reflection on the nature of the axiom "a dog is a man's best friend" or the reunion with a fully-recovered once-near-death-because-she-was-sucked-into-a-fucking-whitewater-river Sassy) these everyday house pets defy all odds and cross through the notoriously-mountain-lion-infested Oregon wilderness to return home relatively unscathed (except for Shadow's stupid leg) into the welcoming arms of their oh-shit-our-pets-are-fucked owners. The end.

Wait a tick...

The owners didn't abandon shit. Peter's stepfather, Robert Hays, needed a quiet weekend to move his family into a new house without a bunch of incorrigible asshat pets barking and shitting everywhere. Accordingly, Peter's parents left the lovely trio in the competent hands of a seasoned horse rancher in rural Oregon until they could handle pure, unadulterated chaos in their new home. Unfortunately, Shadow merely thinks in English, but can't understand English, thus he cannot grasp what his loving Peter is trying to say as the family is packing up to leave: (paraphrased) "DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU."


Had Shadow (touted as "wise" by his younger counterpart, Chance) possessed any sort of patience or even the most basic dog instinct (like holy-shit-we-get-a-bunch-of-good-ass-food-here-let's-chill-for-a-bit, a la Chance) Sassy wouldn't have had a near-fatal-waterfall-shitshow experience and been forced to drink goat's milk from the bowl of an obviously-burnt-out-so-now-watches-birds Jerry Garcia lookalike, Chance wouldn't have been lanced in the grill with the barbs of a fully-pissed-off-then-giggling porcupine and subjected to the unorthodox medical practices of a beltway-outsider-vet-pound, and Shadow himself wouldn't have had a Toy Story 3 holy-fuck-I'm-going-to-die-here moment in the depths of a train yard sinkhole. On top of that, Peter's family needlessly experienced the agony of knowing that their shit-brained pets were wandering about in the wilderness, potentially getting the shit ripped out of their fucking insides by mountain lions or worse. All because Shadow was a "wise" Golden Retriever.

Take home point: Never leave your Retriever at a horse ranch in Oregon or pay the price. Or, just wait outside playing basketball, it'll be cool.