Interview With Unsung Super Heros #1

  Ive recently noticed that many of the worlds greatest super heroes have the tales of their heroic endeavors told time and time again. But what of the lesser known heroes? What of the supposed local or gutter heroes? Are they risking any less? Are they doing less to help the world? Well simply put, Yes, but I've decided to interview them and get their side of the story anyway.

   My first interview is with the relatively unknown Super Guy, he claims he has all the powers of Super Man but to a lesser degree, I found him to be both open and slightly... abrasive. Enjoy.

DW: Super Guy, first of all thanks for doing this I know how busy your life must be
SG: Eh, not really I already got my plasma donation out of the way today so i was free.
DW: Plasma donation?
SG: yeah its a quick 40 bucks, gotta cure the shakes some how
DW: right...well you claim to have all the powers of super man but not quite as powerful, could you elaborate?
SG: yeah, it uh is essentially the same things but I don't have heat vision or xray vision
DW: so you can fly?
SG: sure
DW: Id love a demonstration
SG: OK I think there is a flight to Vegas out of O'hare in like an hour, we could go get weird.
DW: wait, you can only fly using a plane? Can't everyone do that?
SG: well I need to be flying already, I jump off the plane and I'm good to go
DW: Isn't that more like...gliding?
SG: well if you wanna get technical college boy
DW: I didn't mean to offend...
SG: yeah whatever next question
DW: OK, do you have super strength and invincibility?
SG: I can lift more than YOU that's for damn sure and I can stop a bullet or whatever but I bruise fairly easily.
DW: How much can you lift?
SG: Well I'm not sure but I once picked up a short bus that had stopped on some retards foot
DW: uh "retard" is generally regarded as an offensive term these days
SG: Who cares?! I knew you nerds were weak but I didn't take you for a pussy
DW: well that seems a little harsh...
SG: oh fuck off do you want to finish this thing or what?
DW:... OK,  how did you get your powers?
SG: I was bitten by a radioactive Gold's Gym wash out when I was a busboy in California
DW: What? Really?
SG: Yep, he died of lymphoma and now I'm the one picking up cars and chicks. Life is a funny thing, huh?
DW: ...indeed it is, you mentioned "picking up chicks", are you well liked by women?
SG: well what I do is is I tell them I'm Super Man and they fall like dominos. All I have to do is pick up a car with one finger and they are putty in my hands.
DW: You mentioned Super Man, assuming you have saved at least some lives, do the people you ever save show resentment or disappointment in the fact that it's you saving them and not him?
SG: ...you know what? Fuck you, Fuck your website, and Fuck this interview I'm out of here!

   We tried to get in contact with Super Guy after his emotional out burst but we soon found out his phone lines had been cut due to a financial dispute over the price of a phone sex service and his unwillingness to pay the bill. Keep checking back for more unsung hero interviews and as always, Nerds do it better.

I mean, first of all, let me say whichever superhero first came up with the idea of wearing a cape, he wasn't really onto anything good. The number of times I'm treading on that damn thing or I throw a punch and it ends up covering my whole head. It's really not practical.
Christian Bale