The Problem With Being a Nerd...

Nerd Time

  The problem with being a nerd is that there simply is not enough time in a day. I mean how can I be expected to keep up with my video game playing (Gears 3 is awesome FYI) AND make sure I'm caught up with Doctor Who? It's impossible especially when you consider all the nerd culture out there that already exists but for whatever reason I haven't gotten the time to ingest. And then to top it all off society keeps shoving that whole "life" thing down my throat.

   I envy you norms out there with your regularly scheduled prime time television and normal work hours, well that last part is a lie but my point is still valid. Watching one show when I should be reading the next game of thrones novel (song of ice and fire, whatever nerds) , watching shows when I should be killing zombies in the new Dead Island, doing homework when I have unread graphic novels!? The world has gone crazy people and I am the last sane man.

   To all those lost but not forgotten games, books, comics, shows, and movies...wait for me



Nerds Do It Better

Ultra Double Recap: Breaking Down Breaking Bad

So it turns out that real life is time consuming and leaving me little time for teh internets.  Going to try to get every ep for the rest of the season up on Mondays. Today we are just going to hit on a couple of main points from the last two episodes.

Episodes 8 and 9

 All right Breaking Baddinites, lets do some catch up work on the stirring saga of everyone's favorite meth dealer.  Let's start with episode 8 "Hermanos."  I loved this one.  It might be my favorite of the season up to date.  We start with Walt at a chemo/cancer/remission check in (oh right, he has cancer), where he gives a great little explanation about life to a follow cancer patient.  "Never give up control," Walt tells him.  IT APPLIES TO DRUGS TRADE TOO. Walt's antihero-ness has really been on display this season as he struggles to stay in control of his own life and his families destiny.  But what I really dug about this ep was that we are getting more and more into everyone else that makes the Breaking Bad universe so awesome.  

 Ep 8 dives into the mythos and the mysterious history of Gus.  Oh Gawd, I love Gus.  Hank hauls Gus in for questioning, thinking he is really going to nail him to the wall, but Gus is well practiced for this and gives Hank nothing.  He has every angle covered regarding why he was at Gale's apartment.  The only thing Hank gets is a slight pause when he brings up Gus' Chilean past.  The finger tapping calmness exercise Gus does after the interrogation is such pure Fring.  As Hank continues his investigation by his lonesome (and with Walt), the specter of this becoming a multidimensional dance for king of the southwest is well underway.

The end scene really struck a cord with the audience that has been wanting more of who Gus is throughout the show.  We flash back to Gus and the cartel's first meeting in Mexico.  Gus and his chemist partner Max have been using Gus' chicken restaurant to give samples of high quality meth to Don Eliado's top guys to manipulate a meeting.  What Gus and Max see as ingenuity, Don Eliado sees as a disrespect.  Hector, who we know as the wheelchair bound Tio, shoots Max in the head and makes Gus watch. BUT THEN, we get the key piece of information.  Don Eliado tells Gus that the only reason he is alive is because he knows who he is.  This must be a reference to Gus' shadowy Chilean past. 

Gus then explains to Tio about how it was him who caused nephews' deaths and covered it up with the killing of Juan Bolsa.  He asks Tio if today is the day he gets blood for blood SANGRA POR SANGRA for Max's death.  "Maybe next time," says Gus.

Fav Line: Don Eliado on Gus' restaurant "Your chicken it is so...zesty!"

Plowing on to episode 9 entitled "Bug," we get what we all knew was a long time coming.  There are three major subplots that are all going to play a big role in what happens in the series in the subsequent episodes and seasons.  

In the first, Gus is giving in to the cartel as he says yes to the deal that they proposed him.  Still no word on what the deal is, but you can bet it involves blue meth and territory.  This comes to happen after Gus, as Jesse puts it "goes Terminator" walking right into the snipers line of fire.  But both the sniper and Gus get it, they won't kill him they will just make it hard for him to do business.  Mike attributes them not killing Gus because the cartel needs him, but I'll bet its more of the Chilean past.  (if anyone wants to venture a guess as to Gus' past, post it in the comments!) But with this deal in place, the course of the series just took a turn.

Ted, Skyler's old boss and ADULTERER, returns with an audit by the criminal division of the IRS.  Skyler realizes that with her name certifying the books, she will be audited and the car wash/money laundering operation will be found out in a jif.  She shows up at the audit meeting with CLEAVAGE GALORE and a dumb blonde routine. "Quicken is the best! Like having a calculator on your computer!"  Somehow, the agent falls for this routine and Skyler buys Ted some time to pay his back taxes and fees, otherwise "that little fiction will unravel" and her ass will be on the line.  Ted has no money though, as he tells Skyler there is a lien on his house and then drives away in a piece of crap instead of his BMW.  Skyler then opens the crawlspace where the unlaundered money is kept.  Using that to bail out Ted is super risky, and Walt won't like it one bit.

DING DING DING! IN THE RED CORNER WE HAVE A FORMER TEACHER THAT CURRENTLY HAS CANCER AND A PENCHANT FOR COOKING, PLEASE WELCOME WALTER "THE COOOOOOOOOK" WHITE!  IN THE BLUE CORNER, THIS MAN IS A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT A FORMER METH ADDICT WHO HAS KILLED A MAN, JESSE "PINKY" PINKERMANNNNNN!"

So as Jesse explains the situation about him having to go to Mexico to teach the formula, he reaches out for Walter's help.  Walt only hears what he wants and notes that his failure to kill Gus has made them both dead men.  Jesse flips out when Walt tells him he put a bug on his car "after all he has done for him." And Jesse is right, Walt is so short sighted right now he can't see the decisions other people are making.  The two ensue in a brawl that culminates in Walt walking out broken and bleeding.  Bridge burned. Walt is in as deep as possible.  Ep over.

Fav Line: Jesse "Can you walk? Then get the f*ck out of here and never come back."

Next Week's Title: Salud

Stonecutter out.

My Feet are Nerdier Than Your Feet

   So Gamestop (the awesome video game store where they know me by name) started a points system this past year to give rewards to their frequent customers who have been enrolled in the points system. Obviously I have and recently I made a purchase or should I say Super purchase...

   That's right, they're Super Mario sandals! Further proving what we all already knew, my feet are nerdier and subsequently cooler than your feet.

Nerds do it better

Sir Simon Milligan Throws Some Songs at Your Face, And Watches The Tears Flow!: A Couple of Tear Jerkers

Cat's in the Cradle- Yusef Islam (nee Cat Stevens)

This one's for the guys. A tale writ across time, of a man so involved in his career that he ignores his son's pleas to hang out, always putting off their time together, always assuring that "we'll have a good time then." Lamentably, and ironically, the son becomes just like his dad when he grows up, blowing off his father in favor of more selfish pursuits. Circle of life, eh?

Landslide- Fleetwood Mac (and others)

Written near the end of her tumultuous love affair with bandmate Lindsey Buckingham, Stevie Nicks writes of symbolically being buried under emotion. The real gutpunches come when with lyrics like "I've built my life around you." Two successful covers have been made, one stripping the instruments and vocals right down to the wire (Smashing Pumpkins) and another ramping those instruments and vocals right up into a sort-of Appalachian symphony (Dixie Chicks). All versions are potent, and best enjoyed after a break-up or just when the world seems a little too sunny and pure.

'97- Alkaline Trio

Does Sir Simon bring up the Trio too often? You're goddamned right he does! Adolescent angst is Sir Simon's bread and butter, and no one does it better than the fine people at Skiba, Andriano, and Grant. Showing you just how long the boys from sour home Chicago have been at it, the title of the track namechecks a year that culminated over a decade ago. The song will resonate with everyone who hears it. Who amongst us hasn't felt the urge to run into the open, raise fists towards the sky, and condemn the universe for treating us the way it has, with the simple assertion: "I don't deserve this." While the universe may not feel obligation towards Sr. Skiba for the inconvenience he's been put through, the catharsis of railing against the unstoppable must have helped him move on.

Note: Sir Simon doesn't cry. He sometimes has stuff in his eyes, so shut up and stop looking at him.

George Lucas Sucks My Balls

As you're all probably well aware, George "I-will-rape-your-childhood" Lucas will be re-releasing Return of the Jedi on Blu-Ray. Now if this were any other treasured nerd culture franchise, that statement would be good news....but remember, we're dealing with the Sci-Fi Satan here. From what I've seen, most of the forced CGI changes will be completely asinine, like adding eyelids/pupils on the ewoks. But there is one change in particular that really sticks in my craw....during the climactic scene where (if this is a spoiler for you, you don't belong here) Darth Vader saves Luke by picking up the Emperor one-handed-like-a-boss and tossing him down the reactor shaft...George "Fuck-everything-you-love-and-cherish" Lucas has decided that Vader should let out one of those ridiculous "Noooooo!"'s we all hate so much. Goddammit. The whole point was that he didn't need to say anything. The scene was so well done that even through he wore that expressionless mask and said nothing, you could still see the inner turmoil. The fact that Vader never said anything, but just made his decision and acted on it like a silent badass is what made that scene so goddamn powerful.
And since the internet is full of lots of people much more funny than me, here's a link to some of the better online reactions to the news:
http://www.ranker.com/list/the-best-internet-reactions-to-the-star-wars-blu-ray-changes/brian-gilmore

Interview With Unsung Super Heros #1

  Ive recently noticed that many of the worlds greatest super heroes have the tales of their heroic endeavors told time and time again. But what of the lesser known heroes? What of the supposed local or gutter heroes? Are they risking any less? Are they doing less to help the world? Well simply put, Yes, but I've decided to interview them and get their side of the story anyway.

   My first interview is with the relatively unknown Super Guy, he claims he has all the powers of Super Man but to a lesser degree, I found him to be both open and slightly... abrasive. Enjoy.

DW: Super Guy, first of all thanks for doing this I know how busy your life must be
SG: Eh, not really I already got my plasma donation out of the way today so i was free.
DW: Plasma donation?
SG: yeah its a quick 40 bucks, gotta cure the shakes some how
DW: right...well you claim to have all the powers of super man but not quite as powerful, could you elaborate?
SG: yeah, it uh is essentially the same things but I don't have heat vision or xray vision
DW: so you can fly?
SG: sure
DW: Id love a demonstration
SG: OK I think there is a flight to Vegas out of O'hare in like an hour, we could go get weird.
DW: wait, you can only fly using a plane? Can't everyone do that?
SG: well I need to be flying already, I jump off the plane and I'm good to go
DW: Isn't that more like...gliding?
SG: well if you wanna get technical college boy
DW: I didn't mean to offend...
SG: yeah whatever next question
DW: OK, do you have super strength and invincibility?
SG: I can lift more than YOU that's for damn sure and I can stop a bullet or whatever but I bruise fairly easily.
DW: How much can you lift?
SG: Well I'm not sure but I once picked up a short bus that had stopped on some retards foot
DW: uh "retard" is generally regarded as an offensive term these days
SG: Who cares?! I knew you nerds were weak but I didn't take you for a pussy
DW: well that seems a little harsh...
SG: oh fuck off do you want to finish this thing or what?
DW:... OK,  how did you get your powers?
SG: I was bitten by a radioactive Gold's Gym wash out when I was a busboy in California
DW: What? Really?
SG: Yep, he died of lymphoma and now I'm the one picking up cars and chicks. Life is a funny thing, huh?
DW: ...indeed it is, you mentioned "picking up chicks", are you well liked by women?
SG: well what I do is is I tell them I'm Super Man and they fall like dominos. All I have to do is pick up a car with one finger and they are putty in my hands.
DW: You mentioned Super Man, assuming you have saved at least some lives, do the people you ever save show resentment or disappointment in the fact that it's you saving them and not him?
SG: ...you know what? Fuck you, Fuck your website, and Fuck this interview I'm out of here!

   We tried to get in contact with Super Guy after his emotional out burst but we soon found out his phone lines had been cut due to a financial dispute over the price of a phone sex service and his unwillingness to pay the bill. Keep checking back for more unsung hero interviews and as always, Nerds do it better.

I mean, first of all, let me say whichever superhero first came up with the idea of wearing a cape, he wasn't really onto anything good. The number of times I'm treading on that damn thing or I throw a punch and it ends up covering my whole head. It's really not practical.
Christian Bale

Next Day Recap: Breaking Down Breaking Bad

This series will appear every Monday following AMC's hit show Breaking Bad. I highly suggest watching the episode before reading this column as SPOILERS will abound.

Episode 7: Problem Dog

Ladies and gentleman, please strap yourself down to the couch because Breaking Bad season 4 just entered drama beastmode. This week's episode, as predicted by yours truly, was superb. The plot lines have thicken, the stakes are high, and various other sayings.

We start off where the last episode ended, with Walt having to return the Challenger to the dealer. Except, that just wouldn't be good enough for Wal. Instead, he goes all rebel teenager doing doughnuts at top speed in an empty lot (soundtrack moment: The Pretenders, "Boots of Chinese Plastic"). With the car hopping a curb, Walt takes the sale papers, shoves them in the gas tank, and blows it to high heaven. But, not before calling a cab first, "I think he will see me," he tells the dispatcher. The drama nerd appreciated the raw emotion and stunning visuals of the scene, but the ULTRA MALE in me screamed NOOOOO, as that sweet ride blew up.

Jesse sure is cleaning up his act. He is finally painting his walls after his non stop party, and is four days sober. Walt makes his sales pitch to Jesse that Gus can't be trusted after all the death and destruction he is to blame for. Jesse takes notice, and almost just to shut Walt up tells him that he will kill Gus. Back at the lab, Walt cooks up some ricin poison in secret for Jesse to take out Gus. Jesse empties a cigarette and hides the poison capsule in the middle, covering the top with more tobacco. He is not as stupid as he looks, and this continues the trend of Jesse's creativity being a real asset to crime.

Hank and Walt Jr are at everyone's favorite neighborhood eatery/cover operation, Los Pollos. Gus glad hands with the boys, saying that they should have let him know to ensure free food, and offers Walt Jr. a part time job. Hank plays the role of grateful customer so well, but really he nabs the cup Gus refilled for him to scope it for prints. HANK IS ON THE TRIAL.

There has been so much awesome in this episode and now we get Mike and Jesse running the security for the cartel meeting. As I watched this, I couldn't believe that I had forgotten the cartel angle. Jesse's rules for the meeting, "eyes open and mouth shut." The cartel sends one guy to meet with Gus. There is no deal, no negotiation, just yes or no. Presumably, either Gus stops and lets the cartel take over or WAR. Mike mentions to Jesse later that he needs to learn to shoot because things "might get a little hairy" so it looks like war. Look at Gus now. At one time, we viewed him as the ultimate power in our little story and in one episode he is now the target in a three sided attack on him.

Jesse goes back to Narcotics Anonymous meeting to commiserate and talk. Aaron Paul also locked up next year's "Best Supporting Actor" Emmy with this scene. His vivid, emotional illusory story of having to kill a problem dog, a dog who didn't do anything, didn't bite anyone, but whose existence was a problem, was so stomach churningly intense that you can just feel his aching need to be judged. His soul is really being ripped in different directions by Walt, Mike, and what Jesse wants out of his future.

In the final season this week, Hank is back at the DEA's office laying out the detailed web of Gale's death and drugs that he has crafted. He connects the napkin to Gus's Los Pollos, the part number written on the napkin to a HVAC system that would only be used in a state of the art system, the buyer of the HVAC system to the company that owns Los Pollos. All circumstantial at best, but then, wait for it, connects the fact that Gus's fingerprints were in Gale's apartment. DUN DUN DUN.

Fav Scene: Jesse's problem dog speech at NA

Fav Line: Hank stock answer to people telling him how he looks "Chalk it up to clean living and vitamin pills."

Next Weeks Title: Hermanos

Stonecutter out.