C2E2 arrives once again!

 Oh ho ho HO my fellow nerdlingers, it is that sweet time again when a young nerds fancy turns to variant covers and overpriced autographs. That's right C2E2 is in the air and I, your Chicago champion of nerdy exploits, will once again be tweeting up the event (follow me @thesmokingnerd) and wrapping up the event with a post of pictures and love and probably also mockery.

 I love C2E2 to a surreal degree, it is the joy that sustains me the rest of the year and with the exhibitor space being increased an apparent 50% I can only assume that that joy will double. (That's how math works, right?) Anyway, I'll be there all day Saturday and if you are also going to be there feel free to hunt me down. I'll be the big guy in the nerd t-shirt with the beard and glasses. You should have NO trouble finding me.

  Its going to be a great time and me and my nerdy compatriots are going to take the event by storm. So we shall see you there, have fun, be safe, and for gods sake look at the evidence and realize the truth...

Nerds Do It Better

HALO 4: A GUIDE TO NOT SUCKING ON LEGENDARY

 

I know I promised you all some witty and hilarious oilfield jokes, and if you were holding you're breath in anticipation, you're probably dead. I turns out there may be some issues with taking pictures of proprietary equipment and posting them to the Smoking Nerd.  Although I wouldn't be too upset, I'm not ready to get fired yet.

 

Fortunetely, this has allowed me to shift gears to something even more awesome and nerdly, Halo 4. I've only played online a few times due to awful, slightly better than dial-up internet on drill rigs, so my insight there is limited. However, I have played the holy shit out the campaign, and that is what I want to focus on. And I'm not going to talk about the story or awesome graphics, or the fun special ops missions. No, I am going to focus on getting you that nasty solo legendary achievement. Halo 4 is widely thought to have the toughest legendary campaign of any of the Halo games thus far, so a few tips couldn't hurt.

 

I made my way through the first 3 levels of the campaign on legendary this morning, and have come up with a few nifty pointers on staying alive. Just remember that it takes some skill, you're going to die a lot no matter what, and that mostly it takes time. But nerds do it better, so follow these tips and you'll get through.

 

1. Possibly the most important: keep you're distance whenever possible. This is why number 2 below is also incredibly important. If you're the kind of player that HAS to run in guns blazing in you're face kill everything fuck damn......you're gonna die. Over and over and over until you're eyes bleed and you smash you're third controller against the wall. Keeping your distance has a number of benefits. You can more easily keep track of where the enemies are, you can more easily dodge projectiles, and you can more easily take cover to get you're shields back up. Usually enemies won't pursue if you stay far enough back, so stay in cover and pick them bitches off.

 

2. Weapon selection. Have a mid-long range weapon at all times. This goes with number one. You're life will be much easier if you can stay away from close range fights. Again, this isn't always possible, but when it is, use this approach. Keeping a mid to long range weapon will enable you to do this. The BR, LR, DMR, and carbine all work well. Sniper rifles, beam rifles, etc are great when you can get them. However, you have to ration ammo for all these weapons carefully, especially UNSC weapons. Headshots are a must. Turning on the grunt birthday party skull is a good way make sure you're getting headshots on grunts. My prefered loadout is a mid to long range rifle, plus a power weapon when I can get one, an automatic when I can't. Fuel rod cannons are literally everywhere when you fight covenent, so make use of them. Also, before moving on to the next fight, look long and hard around you for any good weapon drops, or any other good weapons 343i hid around the battlefield. If all else fails against elites, go to the good ol' noob combo. PP's are all over the place, and with the headshot weapon you should already have, this is a good way to save ammo and take care of shielded baddies (note this does not work as well on knights or prometheans in general for some reason).

 

 

3. Order of death. While it's tempting to just start blasting bad guys as soon as you see them, take a brief second to determine who poses the biggest threat, and kill them first. You're first priority should be any bad guys attempting to break your bubble (ie. any baddies attempting to rush you). Once you've established yourself a safe distance from the enemy, start by picking off any snipers. Jackals with beam rifles or crawlers/knights with binary rifles can take down your shields or kill you with one shot. Next look for any bad guys rockin power weapons. A grunt with a fuel rod cannon can kill you much faster at range than an elite or knight with a short or medium range weapon. Once you've taken care of any baddies that can kill you with one or two hits, start mopping up, again keeping as much distance as you can. When fighting prometheans, the watchers have to die first. They will shield other prometheans when their shields are down, throw your grenades back, spawn new enemies, and just be generally annoying.

 

 

4. Keep your cool. There are plenty of moments of frustration, and it doesn't matter how good you are, you're going to die, and you're going to want to stab a baby. Don't. Playing conservatively and taking it slow can help you progress, but even then, there are going to be times when you work the baddies for 20 minutes just to have the last asshole grunt with a needler come up from behind you and turn you into a pincushion. Take it as a lesson that you need watch out for that next time, and get back at it. If it stops being fun, you should probably take a break. The whole point of playing legendary is to prove you're a badass, and badasses always have fun killing shit.

 

 

So remember, shun the shotgun, snag the sniper, have fun, don't get too frustrated, and remember, you're a nerd, you do it better.



 

G4's untimely demise: A eulogy

  Hello lovely nerdlings. I write today to discuss my feelings on the recent news of the intended cancellation of Attack of the Show and of X-play and the future re-branding of G4 the channel that was there for us before we knew we needed it.

  To say this upsets me is a bit of an under statement. I loved G4 since I first discovered it in my sophomore year of high school. That was about 2005 and the first show I saw on it was this crazy piece of fantastic in where a man traveled around the different MMO universes that were popular then and ran into kooky characters and had funny adventures. It was called Portal and I immediately fell in love with the entire channel. Shows like Blister, Pulse, Cinematek which just showed sweet cut scenes from video games. Filter, G4tv.com, and the list goes on of all the amazing programming that existed back then. I would leave my TV on  that channel for hours and hours because it was a constant confirmation that there was a whole group of people who were just like me and got what I was into and why.

  But as we all know that version of G4 wasn't long for this world and the changes came quickly and harshly. At first it was cool, the merge with techtv gave G4 X-play with its campy goofy sense of humor and award winning reviews I ate that up. But then all the programming I loved started to fall away thanks to the change in channel presidents that occurred.. It started replacing my shows with Cops and Cheaters and stupid crap only self-hating uneducated nerds would trouble themselves with. But I held on because at the end of the day there was Attack of the Show (formerly screen savers) and X-play. The heart and soul you might say but then they either lost or threw away the hearts of those shows with the loss of Adam Sessler (arguably the greatest name in video game journalism) and Kevin Pereira the hilarious tech genius. I don't fear for those gentleman, its obvious they knew enough to abandon a sinking ship but I weep for the network that used to be. It is not my G4 anymore and it hasn't been for awhile. But god it burned brightly in its time like a Nexus 6.

   So now they have cancelled the two last bits of that glorious time and are turning the channel into an "upscale sophisticated men's network".   FOOOLS! Who does that appeal to? Nobody is going to watch that! ...whatever they will soon learn a harsh lesson and that lesson simply is

Nerds Do It Better

The Return of Slywalker

Well, I'm back. After a lengthy hiatus I have finally returned to the realm of smoking nerds, or THE smoking nerd, or whatever this place is. Now before you raging hordes of readers leave a mile long comments thread expressing you're anger at my extended absence, let me explain. There comes a time in every man's life where he must choose between awesome and a pile of horse crap. Unfortunetely, the horse crap is what keeps one from living in a box behind the chinese food restaurant. I am of course, talking about full time employment. And I'm not talking about the 40 hours a week down at the ol' mill kind of full time. This is hard core, 12 hrs a day, fifteen days straight, literally living at work kind of shit. Survival was my main instinct upon arrival in this crazy world of heavy machines and rough ass dudes. I am of course talking about a land far from Nerd Paradise, the oilfield.

But, after eight months of working the aforementioned shitty ass hours, and going mildly insane in the mean time, I have finally decided that I need to bring back some of the awesome (to prevent or at least slow further mental anguish). And thus I have come up with a few new and hilarious ideas that I will be bringing to a computer screen near you. And free of charge since I will of course be writing while at work, and therefore getting paid anyway.

Keep an eye out for the latest and greatest from Slywalker and all the other great writers at the Smoking Nerd, and as always.....Nerds Do It Better yo.

Watch for Slywalker's next article:  Unintentional Sexual References and Why They Abound in the Oilfield

Nerd Love pt. IX

  Yo-ha my nerdy bro-has!
      Man oh man am I excited for you guys to read this pt of Nerd Love. I'm finally starting to get to the point where the story is reaching the climax and if all goes well it will be both heart warming and hilarious, at least to me. I think this is a really good part and I look forward to your compliments. On another note the 24 hr game marathon went off without a hitch despite the hallucinations and fear that I could be killed by sticky grenade all day the next day. I reached my goal and the sick kids at children's memorial are mildly comforted I'm sure. Well enjoy this section of Nerd Love and the premiere of Doctor Who this weekend as I surely will and remember

Nerds Do It Better

   Nerd Love pt. IX

( The next day at Gwen and Greg’s apartment. Greg is in the kitchen, Gwen is playing video games and Brent is moping on the couch)

Brent: SIGGH

Gwen: Shut. Up.

Brent: I came here for you to HELP me.

Greg: (from the kitchen) Help you with WHAT? Oh my name’s Brent, I have two gorgeous girls on the line, my gold plated game boy’s batteries are dead, and my huge dick won’t fit in my underwear.

Brent: …Gold plated Game boy?

Greg: I’ve always wanted one.

Gwen: He has pictures of them in his dream folder.

Brent:  hahaha Dream folder??

Greg: Shut. Up.

Brent: OK well that made me feel better, but seriously what do I do you guys.

Gwen: UUUgh..OK (she puts down the controller and turns to Brent) so let’s look at the facts, you said Casey makes you feel off.

Brent: Yeah but I don’t mean that negatively, she makes me feel off in the sense that she makes me feel like, I dunno I’m not good enough, not like I’m not good enough for her just that I could be better and she knows it.

Greg: yeah I got that vibe from her when she was here for dinner.

Brent: what?

Greg: Yeah, not in a negative way just that she expects a little more from you…maybe.

Gwen: That’s not necessarily a bad thing maybe she just thinks you’re capable of more. Maybe she wants to see you realize your full potential.

Brent: Am I not doing that?

Greg: Hey, you’re a self-employed writer making…money and a part owner of the best damn comic book store in the county. You’re doing fine.

Gwen: You could send your stuff out to more places maybe.

Brent: noted

Gwen: Ok, so there’s that. Now you also said that you find Dawn energizing.

Brent: I recall those feelings.

Gwen: So what’s more important to you, being pushed to excel or feeling energized?

Greg: In theory one could lead to the other.

Brent: I don’t feel like I’m being pushed to excel by Casey I also don’t know if the energy I get from Dawn is necessarily beneficial. It might be more like speed and less like B-12 vitamins.

Greg: So you feel judged around Casey and dangerously high around Dawn?

Brent: If you’re gonna get all REAL about it.

Gwen: (groan) this really isn’t that difficult Brent. I’m sure you have feelings for both of them just as I’m sure they would both be good for you in different ways. The question is which one do you care about the most? It’s not like you’d have to cut ties completely with the other one either, everyone could use more friends.

Greg: You especially.

Brent: Says one of said friends.

Greg: there is another option. You could do the bad ass thing and juggle two chicks until you sleep with both of them, preferably at the same time.

Brent: …that would never happen. Would it?

Gwen: I’m sure it would end up the same way as that time you tried to juggle swords.

Greg: His toe is completely healed.

Brent: I can bend it and everything. Well, as usual you guys have given me more questions than answers but you have given me some things to think about. I’ll see you guys tomorrow

(he gets up and leaves. Greg goes and sits next to Gwen who curls up next to him and places her head on his shoulder.)

Gwen: Who do you think he should end up with?

Greg: Honestly I don’t know. I think there both nice but I’m not sure either of them deserve it.

Gwen: Being juggled like “perfectly safe” swords?

Greg: No, the love of our man Brent.

(Brent is walking home and passes a park. It is dark and he stops on a bridge over a small stream looking contemplative. As he moves to leave a bike is coming across the bridge and hits him sending both him and the rider flying towards the same end of the bridge.)

Brent: What the FUCK! (he looks over at the rider who is a short, long-haired girl wearing torn up jeans and a T-shirt that reads “My other shirt is mythril”.) Hey are you OK?

Girl: Yeah I’m fine, that was my fault I was trying to text, drink, and furiously ride my bike over strangers all at the same time.

Brent: Its dark out and my jacket is black you couldn’t have seen me.

Girl: Are YOU alright? I see blood.

Brent: I feel fine. No harm no foul righhhWAAAAH. (there is a huge gash in his right forearm). Whoa uh yeah it’s just a cut.

Girl:  That looks bad you should go get stitches.

Brent: Nah I got some band aids at home, plus chicks dig scars right? I’m starting to feel tired too, bed sounds good.

Girl: You’re tired cause your losing blood plus the whole chicks dig scars thing is a total myth. Come on (she helps him up) there’s a clinic nearby that my friend works at. We can get you stitched up there.

Brent: Thank you for injuring me and then helping me kind stranger.

Lew: I’m Lucy but everybody calls me Lew.

Brent: Brent

Lew: Nice to meet you Brent.

Gaming marathon for charity!

Today is the day starting in just under an hour I will begin playing video games and won't stop till tomorrow morning. I for see red bull and dry eyes in my future but I also see a lot if fun for a great cause. This is all in the name of giving, specifically to the Chicago children's memorial hospital .
Now I will be playing many games throughout the day starting with Dark Souls on Xbox and then changing it up with some Halo: Reach and Mass Effect 3. I will also be nostalgiaing it up with some old ps2, n64, and snes gaming. For those interested to play along with me my Gamertag is Dyce Wins.
I will also be filming this event live via ustream, so if you want to watch the fun as it happens and see me swear a lot at the tv follow me on twitter and look for the link I will be posting there shortly. Thanks to all the fantastic people who have already donated, thanks to you my original goal has been met but fear not if you haven't donated yet there is still time and it can be done here: http://www.helpmakemiracles.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=124748
Today should be a fun day that tests
If I'm still capable of doing something I did dozens of times when I was 13. And remember even when it comes to charity events
Nerds Do It Better

Nerd Love Pt VIII

HELLOOOOO NERDLINGS!
   Sorry for the recent bout of silence but, No wait I'm NOT SORRY. I have a life and a new job and I do this for free so quit your bitchin'! I do apologize for yelling just now though. That may have been uncalled for. In either case I have a new chunk of Nerd Love for you here to make up for my recent tardiness. Enjoy and as always

Nerds Do It Better

Nerd Love Pt. VIII

(Brent enters Irish pub and sees Dawn dressed casually sitting at the bar)

Brent: Hey there

Dawn: Hey yourself, take a seat I ordered you a beer.

Brent: What? Who does that in real life? This could end horribly.

Dawn: Don’t worry, I know quality when I see it.

Brent: Noted…Sooo do you come here often?

Dawn: HA What?

Brent: What?

Dawn: Did you seriously just ask me that? What are you nervous or something?

Brent: heh yeah maybe, I guess I’m just not used to being asked to drinks by attractive package handlers, I didn’t mean that to be as dirty as it sounded.

Dawn: Ha it’s ok I am a great package handler. There is more to me than delivering packages you know.

Brent: I’m sure that’s true but how would I know, for all I am aware of you could be a high tech delivery robot from the future sent here to lull me into some false sense of security before you deliver my body to scientists via time machine so they can study me because I’m the first mutant and my super powers will be far too powerful.

Dawn: …Wow

Brent: Uh yeah I can go off on tangents sometimes.

Dawn: Clearly, well I am a delivery girl by day but an artist by night. I like to draw and paint mostly things you can’t see in the real world.

Brent: That awesome! So like unicorns and things like that?

Dawn: Why do you jump on unicorns right away?

Brent: I guess I just assumed. You are blond and a girl.

Dawn: Well I paint all kinds of things, mostly fantasy landscapes (under her breath) with unicorns in them.

Brent: HA (beer gets put in front of Brent and he drinks it) wow that is pretty good.

Dawn: Told ya, I know quality when I see it.

(Back at Brent’s apartment he is talking on the phone)

Brent: and then we talked about our college years and how she used to smoke a lot of pot and we laughed about how if she still did it would help her art and then I told her how I am a writer and we started brainstorming about how we could combine our talents and create a unicorn based comic strip…it was such a great night

Greg: …I’m going to go get Gwen

Brent: That’s probably for the best

Gwen: What’s up?

Brent: It was a great night. We have so much in common.

Gwen: Aw yay, what did you guys talk about don’t leave anything out.

Brent: Ok so… (after he tells the whole story)

Gwen: So what about Casey?

Brent: OH god I don’t know. Casey is like a female me; we have the same taste in everything. Games, TV, Books but sometimes I just feel I don’t know…off around her I guess. With Dawn it’s like, I mean we don’t have the same taste in everything but I feel…energized when I’m around her. She is funny, colorful and is willing to watch Firefly after I spent an hour explaining to her it was nothing like Star Trek.

Gwen: So she isn’t quite the nerd girl you were looking for then?

Brent: No but…there is something there.

Gwen: Well then you know what you have to do, don’t you?

Brent: Make sure I buy the blu ray of Firefly and wash my bed sheets?

Gwen: What is wrong with you?

Brent: What?

Gwen: You have to end it with Casey!

Brent: What? Why?

Gwen: What do you mean why? You clearly have feelings for Dawn.

Brent: But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like Casey, I like her a lot actually.

Gwen: But you also like Dawn.

Brent: Right…

Gwen: So…

Brent: I don’t…oh shit

Gwen: Now you’re gettin’ it.